Magic Milkshake Machine:
Emilie Autumn Turns Us On
I spent hours transcribing this for other EA fans. Please don't steal it!
?: Hello?
Wiggly: Hello, Emilie?
?: Sorry, who's this?
Wiggly: This is Wiggly from Magic Milkshake Machine.
?: Hello! Hey!
Joe: Emilie Autumn?!
TDC: Hey Emilie!
Joe: Oh my gosh, this is great!
[cheering]
TDC: We were just listening to her. This is awesome!
Wiggly: We're crazy.
Joe: I love Emilie Autumn!
TDC: I know!
?: Actually no, this isn't. Do you want me to put her on?
Wiggly: Yeah.
TDC: Thanks.
Joe: That was good.
EA: Hey, this is Emilie Autumn. What's going on?
TDC: Hey, what's up?
Wiggly: I don't know if you can hear us. We have to pass this Skype microphone around, but, uh...
EA: Yeah, I can hear you, like... hmm. I can hear you kind of well, but I will just make up whatever I want to think you're saying inside my own head.
Wiggly: Awesome.
Joe: Done.
EA: That's totally what I would do anyway, so it's really no different.
Wiggly: Right. Now--
EA: I would do that if I was talking to you guys' face.
Wiggly: Now, you... are you at Cafe La Rock (?)... what's it called?
EA: No! It's a House of Blues gig (?). But no, I'm actually -- this is even better, this is the possible best place in the universe that I could be talking to you from. Um, I'm in the bathroom getting ready.
Wiggly: Ohh.
TDC: All right!
Joe: Sweet.
EA: Tell me that's not awesome, right?
Wiggly: The acoustics are lovely.
EA: I wanna tell you right now, I look fucking ridiculous. I look SO stupid. It's gonna be great.
Wiggly: Every time you say you look stupid, I try to look on there and then I gotta go down to the bathroom. Ya know what I mean by that?
Joe: Wink, wink.
EA: No, actually, I don't. I have no idea what you're talking about.
Wiggly: Oh, okay. Well, uh, that means that I, uh, I drank too much water and, and juice...
EA: Ohh!
Wiggly: And tea.
Stan (?): I have to pee. Urination.
EA: I do that all the time. Um, I'll actually -- if you remind me in a little bit, I'll tell you a story about too much drinking water, or rather, not drinking too much water, but wishing that you had.
Wiggly: Right. Okay...
EA: Just remind me, that's all I'm saying, remind me. You will NOT regret it.
Wiggly: I will remind you.
EA: Right.
Wiggly: Now, you do the pirate thing sometimes, too.
EA: Pirate?
Wiggly: Well, first of all -- Wait a minute. This is a stupid place to start just having you on the show. I mean, a lot of people...
EA: It's actually brilliant. Hey, are we on the show right now?
Wiggly: Yeah, we are.
TDC: Oh yeah, we're on.
Joe: We're always on show.
EA: Oh, I love being on the show! No, it's, it's great, I really love it.
Wiggly: Can you remember the name of the show?
EA: It's called... "Wiggly's World of Wonder."
Joe: That's great!
Wiggly: That's right!
[laughter]
EA: See? I'm right, right? No, actually, it's Magic Milkshake -- but um, but SOY.
Wiggly: Oh, soy milk. Exactly. Now you got it.
TDC: That's good, that's very good.
EA: Right, so I mean, I'm totally planning that you should rename that, so I will check the site tomorrow. I expect that to be done, thank you very much.
TDC: This is totally a vegan show, so it's all good.
Wiggly: We are a vegan show, although sometimes we have the eggs if they're free range chickens.
Joe: We might have a pizza.
EA: Yeah. Like if the chickens just walk in and they say, "Hey Wiggly, I have a gift for you! POP! And then out comes, like, a golden egg with chocolate inside... It'd be totally cool if you ate that.
Wiggly: Uh, yeah. You know, it's funny. I posted on your message board, which got me in big hot water as soon as you try to post about your diet, forget it, you're gonna be crucified. But I said, you knowÐ
EA: Don't. It's dangerous.
Wiggly: Exactly. But I said, you know, who's the first guy who said, "Hey, something just fell out of that chicken's ass, I really wanna eat that!"
[laugher]
EA: Yeah! No, that is actually the main reason why I'm vegan. Because that is just hysterical. Hey, can I say um, naughty words?
Wiggly: Yes, you can. This is explicit.
TDC: Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Stan: Please do. And go.
EA: I think I'm losing you, but I'm just gonna keep talking anyway. Have I lost you?
Wiggly: No. Can you hear me?
EA: Oh, yeah, now I can. Kind of fuzzy, but you know, I'm gonna make it up anyway. So um, can I say naughty words on your show?
Wiggly: Yes. We have the explicit tag, so this is anything goes, free thought, all that.
EA: Oh, fuckin' A! That's right. No, I... that's why I'm V. Because the chicken/ass thing, it's just...
Wiggly: Well, it's a chicken's period. The chicken gets its period every day.
EA: Yeah, basically. I mean, that is actually worse than a chicken ass.
Wiggly: Right.
EA: I was just like... this steered this in a whole different direction. If you're okay with that right now. Um, yes. That is worse than chicken ass. It'd be better if it actually were chicken ass.
Wiggly: Right. Like a chicken turd.
EA: Which is the title of my next record, by the way, Chicken Ass. Thank you.
TDC: That's great, that's great.
Wiggly: Wow.
EA: Yeah... good times. So um, yeah, I'm gonna go to a show tonight. It's gonna be great.
Wiggly: Now you're going to a show, or you're gonna perform, which one?
EA: No! Well, maybe both. You never know. It all depends what you wear. But I am going and I fully expect to end up um, in the back of Children of Bodom's tour bus um, if I do my job right. And...
[laugher]
Wiggly: Oh my goodness!
EA: Oh yeah! Yeah, totally.
Wiggly: This is an exclusive!
EA: Oh, this is absolutely... I mean, you should probably alert the police right now, just so they can kick me off when things go wrong. But yeah, I'm going. I'll be the craziest looking person there. I'm a big fan of this band and I'm going to just represent like, odd-looking redheads.
Wiggly: Right. Now, you are an international superstar.
EA: I am actually the president of several small countries. Yep, exactly.
[laughter]
Joe: That's great.
Wiggly: And I have to say I love how your role has evolved throughout your, uh, shenanigans, I guess you could call--
EA: Just grown up, Wiggly, just grown up. Babies all grows up now.
Wiggly: Right'm. Now, you like the tea, as well. You like to have the tea parties.
EA: I have tea par-- I have, um... you might not know this. You might not know, so sit down... but I have a real live tea party every Wednesday night. It's girls only. Ladies, just the ladies.
Wiggly: How about cross dressers, or like...
EA: Um. You need to... you need to show us something. Like, you need to show us how far you're willing to go to be a lady.
Wiggly: I see.
EA: If you work at it, we may make an exception. ONE time.
Wiggly: All right.
EA: But that means that we DO get to torment you as well. Like basically, you have to watch the ? fights, which do occur, but you don't get to partake.
Wiggly: I see, I see.
EA: Yep. It's really strict.
Wiggly: I, on the other hand... Now, you have the Wednesday tea parties. Now, you like crumpets as well.
EA: Oh, I like crumpets, but I really like scrumpets, too.
Wiggly: Scrumpets. And what is a scrumpet?
EA: A scrumpet is a cross between a scone and a crumpet.
Wiggly: Ohh.
EA: Oh come on, that was too easy. You knew that. You knew that, come on!
Wiggly: But this is an interview.
Joe: I knew that, I was eating one right now.
EA: Oh, I'm sorry, I'll pretend you don't know.
Wiggly: In an interview, you always ask questions that you know the answers to and you pretend like it's...
EA: That you know the answer to! Okay, I see how this works.
Wiggly: And you don't really listen to what the person says, you just keep on going with your agenda.
EA: Barrel on! Barrel over! I'm totally down with that.
Wiggly: You try to push yourself over. Now, I, on the other hand-- Now, do you like the tea biscuits, though?
EA: Um, I do. You know what those are called in Britain?
Wiggly: No.
EA: Well, you should, because you asked the question, so, yeah.
Wiggly: Oh.
TDC: Oh, that was good.
EA: Oh, no no, I'll pretend. I'll play along with your little game.
Wiggly: I'll deny it till the end.
EA: I know you will. They're called "digestives." Isn't that a lovely name for a cookie?
Wiggly: Yes!
EA: I know! I'm serious, like, I have tried to tell my friends here, look, you need to go find some, and they just don't even believe it exists.
Joe: I'd like some crumpets and X-lax, please.
EA: That's how I end up here alone drinking vodka every night.
Wiggly: Uh-oh. Join the club.
TDC: Yeah, we're all drunk, Emilie.
EA: Aww, really?!
TDC: We're friggin' wasted, man!
Joe: We're DRUNK!
Wiggly: Half the team here has been drinking the liquor, the yummy beverages all show. We have a show once--
EA: I so approve of that.
Wiggly: We have a show once every two weeks, and these guys-- and it's only one hour, and these guys say, hey, I might as well do all my drinking in that one hour, you know, every two weeks. So anyway.
EA: Oh yeah! Yeah. No, that's absolutely a fucking great idea. I just really-- fuck, fuck.
[laughter]
EA: Really. No, it's really good.
Wiggly: I have been enjoying the lost art of perculating coffee myself, of late.
EA: I just bought a French coffee press, but I'm using it for tea. Ooh, that's rebellious, isn't it?
Wiggly: So, that means that you put the--for people who don't know what that is--you put the boiling water in and then you press the squeegee and the screen down and it traps all your lint and stuff like that, whatever you put in there.
EA: You knew the answer to that before you even asked me. You, you're a fucking master! Geeze, I had no idea what I was walking into when I picked up the phone today.
Wiggly: Well, I'm glad you did.
EA: I ended up learning so much.
Wiggly: I'm glad I found your number in the phone book, too. Just random.
EA: I'm totally listed. I'm listed under red-haired freak. There's three of us, so call all of them and they'll all be directed to my line.
Wiggly: But if you decide to do this perculating coffees, you gotta -- your choice of filter bags are very limited. You have to get the gourmet filters now, they're like a diaper--like a coffee diaper.
EA: They are a diaper. Hey, I had a conversation last night about diapers. Did you know that?
Wiggly: No. Yes, I did, I mean.
EA: [mumbles] Yeah, I wanna give a shoutout to the Bloody Crumpets, the Lady Joo Hee because she's actually nauseously sick in bed right now and probably vomiting as we speak.
Wiggly: Ooh. Bad for ratings.
EA: Yeah. She was supposed to be my date for the metal show tonight and she got horrendously ill... which, you know, is actually approved of at metal shows, to get horrendously ill, so you have to be really fucking ill to not be able to go to Children of Bodom and hang out in the tour bus, yeah. But she actually has um, like, I guess you'd call it -- we're trying to figure out what the word for this is, it's not a phobia but it's the opposite of a fetish. You probably know what that is. What would the word be for the opposite of a fetish but not a phobia?
Stan: Could be a reverse fetish.
EA: If it's something you really, really despise. Like for instance, she can't stand the word "panties."
Wiggly: Oh, that's odd.
EA: No, "panties" or ? She will actually Korean-style murder people. I've seen it. There's a death count out there, I'm not fucking joking.
Wiggly: Well, just let her know that the differences are the unity between panties and Korean-style murder.
EA: Ohh, my god, it's like a metaphor, one for the other, right?
Wiggly: We need the contrast, Emilie. We need that contrast cause there's no foreground without the background.
EA: You know what, context, it's all in the context. And you're so... you're know what, you're like a haiku. A living, breathing haiku.
[laughter]
Wiggly: Now tell us about the drinking too much water or not enough water.
EA: Okay, I will tell you, but you have to not tell anyone else.
Wiggly: Okay, we won't tell anyone.
EA: Well, I just was at a music festival called South By Southwest, you might have played there before. Yeah, good times, right?
Wiggly: Did you see Rachel Sage? She's my buddy.
EA: No, what's awesome is that I know she is, but I didn't see anyone. I literally didn't see anyone, except the--
Wiggly: There was no one there.
EA: No, there were millions of people there, but I just hung out completely with the people that I was there to hang out with, which was the Adult Swim comedy crew. Which was fantastic, but... so yeah, we played on that. And that was just fucking brilliant. Advertising their new shows and shit. But yeah, the most memorable thing that I can't tell anyone, especially you, and you definitely can't tell anyone, is that I was approached by the lady friend of a very, very well known comedian-slash-actor, and she asked me within five to ten seconds, probably around seven and a half, of seeing me, if I would go in the bathroom and actually urinate ON her.
TDC: Oh my god!
Wiggly: Wow.
Joe: That's HOT.
EA: And I was so flattered, I almost considered it. I almost did. And then I thought, "No, I haven't had enough water. I can't." And that is what I explained to her in the kindest possible way. Because you do not offend when asked such a generous, flattering request.
TDC: Because your pee would be really dark yellow.
Wiggly: Because you eating the asparagus earlier.
Stan: And you don't want stinky pee.
EA: Well, that's the other thing, I was. I know that you knew that and I just thought, she's asking for it, but does she really know what she's in for? So in the spirit of kindness, I declined. But yeah, that's it. I just told you and now... just please, keep that really under wraps if you can.
Wiggly: Okay, we won't tell a soul. Now Emilie, we have you on the line and you're on the spot, so will you let us--
EA: Wait. Am I?
Wiggly: Now, do you have the ASCAP and the BMI and all that?
EA: Oh, I have Boca here right now.
Wiggly: You have Boca?
[laughter]
EA: No, I-- hey, did you say Boca? That's such a fine brand!
Wiggly: I did. Yes it is.
EA: I like ASCAP.
Wiggly: So we can't play any of your material on the podcast, I guess.
EA: No, I think that you should.
Wiggly: Okay! Should we play something off of Opheliac, or should we play the title song?
EA: Yeah, you could play new things. Do you have them?
Wiggly: Well, I can rip them off of the Myspace.
EA: Do it, do it. I mean, you're a very talented man. Even though it doesn't let people download, it lets YOU download, right?
Wiggly: Listen, I'm too flabbergasted by what you said. I didn't hear anything you said after I'M talented. It was just like, "Vwim bim bim bim."
EA: Hey, can I ask you a question?
Wiggly: Yes.
EA: Do you wanna pee on me?
[laughter]
Joe: YES!
EA: You meet me... I'm in the bathroom, like, getting ready anyway, so come on in! We're already here.
[laughter]
Wiggly: I can get on Hooter's air within the next hour and be up there in an hour.
EA: Oh, please, do it. And then when we're done, drop me off at the House of Blues?
Wiggly: I heard that that's very popular, along with the rainbow blow jobs and other things with the little kids, wearing the latest "Pee Effervescence" cologne is very hot.
EA: Mmhmm. It is. It is actually, you know, recreating the pheromones of ancient Egyptians.
Wiggly: Now this is not what you put in YOUR brand of perfume.
EA: NOOO. My brand, I have actually gone back in time and taken the blood of several notorious whores, and THAT is what is in my brand.
TDC: Emilie, I love your brand. I have the Mistress, I have the whole line.
Wiggly: I don't know if you heard that, but Trapdoor Charm loves the Mistress.
EA: I heard something. What was that?
Wiggly: She loves the Mistress. Trapdoor Charm loves the Mistress.
EA: Ohh, brilliant! Love it! I love that you love it. I made it for you to love.
TDC: Oh god, I love the hand lotion, I rub it all over my body.
EA: I love all this love. Hey, do you wanna pee on me?
[laughter]
EA: I have officially become the classiest woman on earth, thank you.
Wiggly: Listen. You got all of our 500 listeners right over there right away.
EA: Oh, beautiful! I'm gonna have to talk to my plumber about that. But we'll figure it out. We'll use the bathtub, it's good.
Wiggly: Okay, now how we always close out every interview with our celebrity guest is we ask them one final question.
EA: Yes. The answer is yes.
Wiggly: Is--
[laughter]
Wiggly: Okay. And now the question. Is everything behind the mask?
EA: [pause] Um, is that a metaphor?
[laughter]
TDC: That's pretty damn deep, Wiggly.
Wiggly: I'm sorry. I can't explain the question, I can only ask it.
EA: Okay. Was that it? I was waiting for a punchline. Is that it? Is everything behind the mask?
Wiggly: Yes.
EA: Okay, are you ready for my answer?
Wiggly: Uh... hold on. Yes, I do believe I am ready.
EA: Okay. The answer is no, sir. Everything is under the skirt.
[laughter]
TDC: She's good!
Wiggly: Wow, wow. I cannot stand up at this time.
TDC: A girl after my own heart.
EA: No.
Wiggly: Well, Emilie Autumn, we LOVED having you on. You're our first guest!
[cheering]
EA: I love all of you. Thank you so much for having me.
Wiggly: I totally surprised everyone. No one knew this was gonna happen.
TDC: It was wonderful.
EA: Oh, we live to surprise. You just wait till I start peeing on people.
[laughter]
EA: You will never see it coming, I'm telling you!
Wiggly: Well, we love you and...
EA: Thank you.
Wiggly: And that's it, now I'm gonna cry.
EA: Oh sweetness, don't! Wait till we're together, and then I'll give you a reason to cry.
[laughter]
Wiggly: This is why she's one of my favorite people. Well, have a great show tonight. Enjoy the show tonight.
TDC: Have fun in the tour bus!
EA: Thank you! Oh, I will. I'll end up on stage, you just watch. You look on the blogs tomorrow.
Wiggly: I don't doubt it for a second. You're one of the hottest things going and we wish you all the success in the world. You definitely deserve it. You're doing your own thing. You're cutting your own... whatever they call it, I don't know.
EA: Toast.
Wiggly: Toast. Amen.
EA: AMEN.
Wiggly: Okay, we're gonna listen to your song now.
EA: Oh, please do!
Wiggly & co.: Bye!
EA: BYYYYYE!! Cheerio!
[Opheliac plays]